the truth comes out

Kaushal was planning to take me to Tarkeshwar, a very small forest ashram at a religious power spot. He had his wife's blessings, and her help with packing, and permission from his job for the days off. But after 3 days of being browbeaten into believing that Kaushal was an evil tantric manipulating madman, setting me up for dire consequences, I decided to cancel. The problem was I had to get some of my luggage from Kaushal's house. I had to say no and good-bye in person.

I made up excuses for not going to the forest and I cried, for in reality I was quite a wreck after the onslaught of negativity I'd heard about my supposed friend. At the end of my rambling Kaushal was quiet. Then he said, I've never forced you into anything, it's your choice. But I ask you just one more time if you want to go to Tarkeshwar?

Out of my mouth came a "yes". To this day, I have no doubt that yes came from God; I was shocked and horrified. But the yes came out with it's own certainty and I followed its will. That yes changed my life.

I had one more night at the hotel and one more night of hearing Kaushal painted black, but I went to Tarkeshwar. An hour into the trip I realized I was happy with Kaushal, and not just happy, but his presence was supportive to my spiritual practice, my aim. Could I say the same about the hotel manager? No, the time spent with him made me miserable, questioning, depressed. Kaushal was taking me to a very special sacred spot, that I could never have found on my own. The hotel manager wanted me to go with him and his wife to some fancy condo in Goa. Who had a better sense of me?

This post has actually been inserted much later. Four months have now passed and my computer is working reliably for the first time since I've been in India. I want to start writing again and it's actually hurt me to know I've not amended my prior blog. I heard a lot of bad things about Kaushal at that time and a portion of them were true. I know this directly because there's been no need to hide the unsavory aspects of our own lives. But in the end the whole thing was not even about Kaushal, but the irrational jealousy of the hotel manager. Jealousy never comes to a good result and the hotel manager lost 2 friends. He's continued to make other efforts damage Kaushal's reputation, but again his lies have brought about the opposite of his intent.

Kaushal's not perfect, far from it, just like me, just like all of us. He and I share some of the same struggles which makes him an excellent teacher for me. Meanwhile, he's become one of the best friends I've ever had, he's now my business partner and I really am a part of his family, formalities are long past. It's not been easy for me to trust, particularly in India, and I've had to go through a lot of doubting, questioning and analyzing. And Kaushal and I fight; we bring out the volatile, reactive side in each other. But every time I check within myself, I check with God, the answer, so far, remains the same - you're in the right place, Marcie, hang in there, everything you've ever wished for is coming your way. When I think of what I've wished for I'm struck by the fact that it's never once been ease. So why would I complain to be maximally challenged? When I think of what I've wished for, it's only ever been one thing.

I wish to be with God.

Blessings to the hotel manager, for me it was an invaluable experience, but I'm heartbroken at the inner pain that would make someone want to do harm to a friend.

2 quotes, with gratitude, from the Dalai Lama:
In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.