Wierd

I was walking up my steps with a big load of laundry and that word popped in, loud and simple - wierd.

It is wierd. I'm going away. I have no idea what's ahead. At that moment, arms full, I'd just finished a pass of clothing determinations, clean, dirty, give away, throw away, pack for storage, pack for trip, still needed and the biggest one, gee, I just don't know yet and I can't possibly make another decision. Every single thing I touch these days needs a decision.

But perhaps the wierdest thing was, at that moment, I wasn't stressed. After weeks of anxiety and the insidious self-criticism of the anxiety, it suddenly wasn't there. There I was, once again walking up the steps with a load of laundry. Completely the same and completely different. The unknown permeating my breath in a moment that was both precious, and well, wierd.

Glancing up from my computer, I see the quince are blooming! I love this garden where I live, I love the Bay Area, I love my friends, I love Breema, I love my life here. But at least I've quit asking myself, why am I going? Something else is needed and I don't know what it is, but I've said YES.

Feels pretty damn wierd though. Everyone keeps asking me, are you excited? It's taken all this time for me to realize the best answer to that question is simply yes. I can't possibly begin to explain the most complex mix of thought and emotion I've even experienced. But I'm liking it. Because it's wierd.

purple dragons

I have a new client. I'm leaving and she's dying, so we're both open; we're having fun together. She lets me stand up on the hospital bed, straddling her, and reach my arms as far down her back as I can to lift her lungs and shake things around. She lets me dig deep into her diaphragm until I feel the tissue softening. She lets me rub her feet while she tells me stories of her life.

Today she told me about the purple stuffed dragon on the bed. Yesterday it came to life. I turned to look at it and I swear it nearly winked at me. Only now am I realizing she never told me what the dragon said to her, though it clearly had enormous impact. She was kind of shy to tell me about it at all, not wanting her experience spoiled by those who believe in rationality. Luckily she's safe with me.

She hadn't even wanted the stuffed animal in the first place, given to her by the one person she's struggling to forgive. She let it lie around, disregarded, until it suddenly came to life. Maybe it didn't even say anything. What she said to me is that there is so much more to life, in every moment, than we have any idea of. It's all alive. Kids know. Why else would they love their stuffed animals so much? Not being a Mom, I'd never even considered this. She is a Mom and didn't know until now.

The purple dragon, now my friend too, has no nervous system, no blood of any temperature. But it can brighten a room, deliver a message, give love, inspire gratitude, create magic.

And maybe, just maybe, it is alive. I don't know, nor am I interested in a war of definitions. But the purple dragon has provided me with my prayer of the moment - may I be open to that life which is beyond language and form.

I still don't know

How many ways to not know! From the misery of lost and confused to the excitement of unimagined possibility. Today a moment of India! China! Then back to work. Time has become ruthless.

Confusion reigns

Sitting here, in this moment, it's clear there's no problem, in this moment. And yet, that doesn't help a bit. Things are changing faster than my nervous system can handle. I'm falling behind on what needs to be done. I'm losing track of time and day and missing appointments, forgetting to return promised calls. I pick things out of boxes, look at them, think about them, and put them back in again to deal with later. Later? What am I doing now as I face this unrelenting deadline? I'm staring at a computer screen, trying to pull myself together enough to keep going.

Someone asked me, "If what you want to do is study tai chi and explore your inner being, are you sure you want to set yourself up in Shanghai, one of the biggest, busiest and most polluted cities in the world?"

I just laughed, but the question is haunting me. What am I doing? Why?

I don't know.

Plan C Revealed

My friend Tim hacked me a Mac! My gratitude knows no bounds. My excitement either! Continuing as my computer saint, guru and friend, we'd spent hours dealing with the issues involved in bringing a laptop on my journeys. Unbeknownst to me, just as I was settling into the uncertainty of carrying a very old, very heavy iBook, Tim started a research project, called, with alphabetic optimism, Plan C. After weeks of hints, as it was starting to prove a success, Tim agreed to let me in on it. I am soon to be the proud owner of a 2.5 lb lovely new Windows mini-laptop (at 1/5 the price of a new Mac) onto which Tim has managed, through tremendous effort and skill, to basically turn into a Leopard running Mac. For those of you who understand even less of this than I do, I will just say that this is very cool.

I am so thrilled I can't help the anachronistic colloquialisms pouring forth. Oh well, let embarrassment rule.

You rock, dude. I'm stoked!

just start

A blog! Kind of exciting, kind of scary, definitely a new thing for me. A chance to open up to risky, rusty and untravelled places in myself. In the hopes of staying connected with you, my friends and loved ones. In the hopes of diving into this journey I've embarked upon and to share the profound and the silly, the dramatic and the quiet, and to explore LIFE together.

Today's the 1st day of the new year. Funny how enjoyable these artificial demarcations of time can be. Woke up feeling differently. There's been a lot of confusion, anxiety, agonizing and sadness at leaving. Emotions spilling all over the place, creating quite a mess. Today it's - let's go. Let's just do it!

Dawns on me that in the speed in which this has all happened, many of you don't even know what I'm talking about and sincere apologies to those I love and yet I've not been able to be directly in touch. I'm off to India to study yoga and then Taiwan to study tai chi and teach English! Or so that's the plan at the moment. One of the benefits of all this rapid change in my life is that I'm working with instant readjustment. Oh - it's not going as I thought - OK, let's deal with that. Oh, I hadn't even considered that - OK, what next? And so on in the practice of accepting constant change. As if we had a choice.